Overcoming a need to Isolate
I live in a van, ALONE.
Yes I have the dogs, but there is a massive difference between the dogs and another human.
As a person who often wants to be alone. Actually would choose to be holed up in the wilderness alone, Van life has felt like a perfect decision for me.
The vast majority of my time is spent alone, and often in my head with my thoughts.
The vast majority of my time is spent alone, and often in my head with my thoughts. I've needed this to process all that took place.
I’ve been through a lot over the past few years, and the recent events that took place in my life have left me utterly broken. As much as I want to be the strong one, I’ve been destroyed.
My life was placed in front of me, and shown just how quickly it can be gone. The lessons I’ve learned have been invaluable. I would not change them even though they have caused me so much pain. The world looks entirely different now.
Although my home may be tiny, it’s mine. It does not feel tiny to me, it feels like a mansion, that I enjoy walking into each and everyday. It’s become my safe space, that I am so careful with. Allowing me to be comfortable as I process my heart and soul.
While I have been looking so steadily inward and taking inventory of my life, my desire to truly socialize has gone down. After experiencing what may be one of the greatest losses of my life the desire to connect with anyone has been absent. I’ve forced myself to stay connected to humans that were there for me during those first few days.
And as life would have it I found myself in a situation which triggered all my issues I have worked so hard to move past. I have never really talked openly about this, but I have severe abandonment issues.
My greatest fear in life is to be left. I don’t want to be the person standing there in the street heart in hand bleeding out on the floor.
As you can imagine with the passing of my father my abandonment issue was in full swing, and it took everything in me to stay connected. Only to quickly have the rug stripped out from under me.
The deep dark fears within me have been triggered and question why bother connecting, everyone leaves in the end.
To connect is remarkable, but that pain of a person leaving, that is near unbearable.
As I sit here trying to even process the grief that is a boulder sitting upon my chest, I was reminded that humans are humans. They will still hurt you. We all have our own demons we are conquering each and everyday.
With the loss of friendship, I was back in that place. Questioning why do I connect. The human connection leads to such a high with such a low.
My heart aches to have all my beliefs affirmed, because I worked hard to find the ability to connect
I longed to share my heart openly with others, and to be the emotional person that I’ve never allowed myself to be.
I sit back in that place, as that girl who shuts off from the world. That hides my bleeding heart, because sharing that piece of me can lead to so much more pain.
When I look in the mirror and see myself resisting sharing my place I know that I have so much work to do. My forward momentum was taken backward.
Just as before it’s time to find my way, to find safe places and safe hearts.
Living this life alone allows me so much opportunity to grow in this way, but it also forces me to connect. It forces me to say yes to sharing camps with people that I don’t know all that well.
When I’m around people it’s my chance to see that there are more hearts out there. There are souls yet to be seen and a possibility to find more hearts that connect to mine. That are searching on this same human journey just as I am.
When everything inside of me is screaming to run, I sit around the fire, and I stay. I may not open my heart as widely as I was, but I will get there. Our human experience is full of ups and downs. It’s a beautiful ride if we allow the actuality of this life to sink in.
When we realize how grand this journey can be, and how short our time actually is. That is when life begins.
